That Girl

It's true I am not a notable character
Always forgotten.
But I like to think that maybe.
Just maybe...
A little part of me is left behind with each person I encounter.
Then I can't be truly forgotten.
Times like this I am grateful for all the friends I have.
At least I KNOW I am in their hearts. Alhamdulillah :)

Why Am I Killing Myself?

I am a big junk food addict. I love outside, fried, sweet,sour food! I am usually willing to try new things. Well of course if its  halal and all.

I have recently had a new prospective of healthy living. My brother who eats so much junk food, but is forever working out and playing sports claims what he is doing is okay. He says "It doesn't matter because I work it off later" I cringe because this is not the point I was trying to make. Its the fact you are taking unhealthy food and forcing yourself to produce energy from it and all that other good stuff your body need.

I started to really think about the human body in a whole different way.

Imagine you have this body to take care of. Sort of like a pet you love and care for. Your respoinsiblity at the moment is to let this 'pet' live longest and healthiest life it can. So what do you do? You feed it the most healthiest food and things it needs to continue its day. So you look at your healthy eating guide where it has all the food groups, but there is one problem. Your 'pet' desires all these  unhealthy food. It doesn't want to eat your healthy food. So it starts eating things like Oreo cookies which does have an ounce of anything beneficial. Its as if you are eating a chocolate cover pencil. Taste good but, is useless for you body. Your body needs certain vitamins and other nutrients from food. So you continue feeding this 'pet' junk.
 Inside its body, it pumping in and out filth. Trying to form energy by every little thing it can get. Over time you notice your pet's skin is dull, it is more tired/lazier, they are not thinking to the best to it's ability. Guess what, you are killing your pet, or should I say you are killing yourself.

With that being said the body always desires what is not good for them. If there was a donuts vs apples, most people would take the donuts even though the apples are more benefical.

What I need to work on it not  giving in to my desires. Promote healthier living. I always knew this information, but just never cared. I want to feel more alive, less tired and energetic. I want my brain to work at it best capacity. Exercising is also something I will try to work on. My older brother has insanity so I am going to try that.

Wish me luck guys.

The Non-Hijabi Vs The Hijabi

I believe non-hijabies get treated differently than hijabies ! 

I remember  I was in a lecture and I didn't understand a certain concept so I asked a guy be near by. Take note that 85% of my classmates are males. He gave me a half ass response that left me in confusion as before. A few minutes later a non-hijabi girl asked a similar question and he explained it to her in great detail. I am not sure, but I think he was doing the work for her as well. All I wanted was help :(

You are probably saying that this is just one case, but in fact this has happen to me many times.

I remember another incident where I went to this tutoring room in the university and a male student was helping me with the homework. Take note that most of the tutors in those room are males. A girl wearing tight jeans, tank top and had big... you know whats walked in. Yeah she was pretty. Every guy went up to her asking if she needed help. Even the guy who was helping me left me! I was dumbfounded. I was staring at them and the girl. At first I was confused at what had happened.  I just ended up packing my stuff off and left because obviously no one was going to help me for long. This actually happened several times   in the tutoring room. I felt embarrassed because I know I was being treated because of how I looked. These guys who were tutors weren't even ugly. :/ Great dissed by attractive guys. 

You can argue that these girls are getting treated solely on how good looking they are, but is there really something wrong with that?

Sort of makes me feel like a queen walking :P

On the other hand I feel I receive more respect as a hijabi. With practicing brothers, they lower their gaze when they walk past you and they have a different tone when they talk to you. Its like they see you as a human... if that makes sense. Even the not so practicing Muslim guy will talk to me different than how he talks to the that super duper pretty girl. Like I am equal to him. I am not sure if I am making sense. I remember talking to my brother about this and he said its because a hijabi reminds you of Allah. I guess this hijab reminds them of religion again. Of course the conversations with guys seem very formal and some girls say they would not want that and would want him to just act chill but, I guess it is respect. Like the way he talks to his mother in a way. 

Even some non-Muslim guys treat me differently. Its like they do not know how to talk to me so they are quieter and politer. I guess they are thinking " How do I talk to this covered girl? I don't want to offend her." For the most part they avoid me, I am guessing I am unfamiliar territory or what a friend told me " The chase to get with this girl is to hard"

Side story: The other day I was talking to the director of marketing of business, I was asking him a question. I must mention he was really handsome guy :P. Anyways, he presented his hand for a handshake and I told him "Sorry, I do not shake hands with men.". He automatically started apologizing and turning red. Funny guy. I know for a fact some Muslim girls would of shook his hand just because he was handsome.I just want to say, just because someone is good looking NOT a good enough reason to give yourself up in the slightest bit. Please girls be strong, you too guys I am routing for you all!

I honestly don't have any guy friends. There is the occasional ones in your class were you are say hi to and do the polite small talk, but besides that I do not interact with guys for fun, strictly business you can say. I can say that this is probably due to my hijab. I do not talk to guys for fun because when you wear hijab its not just how you look its the way you behave.

 I defiantly can conclude that a non-hijabi gets treated differently than hijabies in most cases.

Do you guys agree because these are from my personal experiences and observations?

Must be a Jinn

My maybe jin experience?!?!

Okay when I was in England I had something very strange happen to me. I was sleeping on my back and I felt something heavy on me and I couldn't move. I also couldn't scream. I was in a panic and I had no clue what was going on. After a few moments I could move, so I went to sleep on my side and the same thing happen again. 
So, like any other sane person would  I googled it. Turns out I had all the symptoms of sleep paralysis.

It happens to people at least once in their lifetime. It's very scary. Back in the old days it was associated with demons sitting on you.                     I also seen a reference on how it could be a jinn. SubhanAllah if it was a jinn thank God it never bothered me again.

Sleep paralysis is still something not really understood yet. So maybe it was a jinn.

Most of my friends know I have a fascination with jinns. Obviously not enough to ever contact them because thats haraam and scary :p

I have many jinn stories I can share with you, but for next time

So tell me have you guys ever experienced sleep paralysis or know someone who has?

Time To Re-evaluate My Life

So I keep thinking about my life, my future. I expect that I will graduate university, get a job , then get married, have a baby, and live life practicing my religion. Yup, also have a dog with the white picket fence with a huge house :p (note I am exaggerating with my last sentence.)

Obviously life is never what we expect it to be. I can come up with so many possibilities and other outcomes of how my life may turn out. I might never finish university and drop out. I might meet a guy I am head over heels with and get married. Maybe I can never get married or never have a child. Even worst I may die tomorrow. Allah knows what will happen to me and what is best for me, but hey life is never the way we plan it.

I just feel like I have pressured myself to succeed and be the best I can be. Which is what we should all do, but deep down I know I am not being the best I can be.
As a daughter I can be so much better. Do extra chores and just be a overall great daughter and sister.
As a student I should bring home A's and use my time wisely by not wasting it on pointless things.
As a friend I could be so much better. Stop with my sarcasm, my jokes, and my rude comments.
As a muslim I could be so much better. Giving the attention and time to my Lord. Praying more often, on time , and being conscious when I do so. I can could be studying my religion on my spare time and not watching TV or playing on my phone.
As a human been I can just overall be better.

Why do I always do the bare minimal thing? Why am I so easily satisfied?

I let the shaytaan be my chill buddy.

I remember a time last year life was amazing. I made salah everyday on time and I would pray in the masjid everyday between my classes. I spent time in the library studying. My marks were amazing, I changed the way I behaved, the way I dressed, and was so conscious of Allah.

It may sound cheesy I was so sprung on doing good deeds I would kick sticks out of the side walk and into the grass. :P Pick up garbage and even gave dawah! I never even watched tv.

Then I became ashamed... Pathetic right?

Some of my friends had not gone through the same spiritual enlightenment I went through, so I would get frustrated with them. I remember I had a friend tell me some things that would try to stop me from becoming better. She told me how she feared for me... She was scared I might become a salafi (the ones who try to live in the old century)   because I was considering the jilbaab, she was scared I was becoming this overly happy Muslim. Which I was because man my heart was on some Iman booster that seemed to be lasting months. Subanhallah. I wasn't becoming a extremist I was just happy and working hard trying to be the best I could be. But she didn't see that...
I felt really hurt even though I didn't show it. I became self-conscious of what others thought of me. I was also losing friends since I was practicing more. I guess this happens when you try to please the creation than the creator.
I remember my brother telling me that if the shaytaan cannot get to you he will use others to get to you. Great, he starting using my friends against me and man did it work.

Well that's my stupid reason for becoming such a loser now, but I can say there has been other factors like food and tv! Oh and a little place I call the Internet!

My goal now is to become better and the best I can be. I seriously feel lazy even saying it. Even the thought of it makes me heart go ... "really dude you sure you want to do that? We can just catch up and watch the seasons of gossip girl. Chuck bass might hook up with Blair!!!" tempting as it is to watch Netflix brainlessly, I know I won't get what I want until I do. How can I expect for good marks if I wont work hard for it? How can I expect a pious husband if I am not willing to working hard for it? How can I expect Jennah if I am not willing to work hard on it?

Thank goodness I am not the type to get depressed. I am not hyped, but I got a black heart and it's going to need some heavy cleansing. I will keep you guys updated.



Any tips you have for me guys will be greatly appreciated.

Love is definitely in the Air for Young Muslimahs

At my university I have been noticing a recent trend. Well it's not so recent. Everyone is either engaged or getting married. I hang out majority of the time in the multi-faith room which by the way is occupied by 99% Muslims. I would say 100%, but I am not sure if you can count the ishamili Muslims :s you know them having the room to themselves and setting up a photo of some brown guy and all.

Anyways my point is that majority of the sister I have befriended are either engaged with a brother, seeing a brother,  or married to a brother. I am so shocked!!! How did this happen? Some of these sister are pretty religious and I am thinking ... You can get a guy to talk to you and I can't even get one to answer my homework question?

I also noticed it isn't the Somali girls getting married like myself it's the brown girls (Asian for you british readers) and Arabs. I get there is cultural pressure and other factors and you know I am not jealous it's just
.... All the great guys are taken!

Just recently I found out a brother who was in the MSA who I thought was single was dare I say .... Married Nooooo ! I said it. The pain.

I feel all that are left are ... All these Muslims guys who drink and party. No way am I lowering my standards.

I would love to go on and on about marriage, but I definitely would need a whole blog for that.

Random thought, but what do you guys think about inter racial marriages? Be honest now!

Written 5 Months Ago

Obviously my opinions are different, but this is how I was feeling that day. Now you guys realized how much   I sensor myself. I should of posted this, but I was to scared. Silly me.
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I was reading a book when I came across this part of
"Kylie stared at her best friend and realized how different they'd become these last six months. It wasn't just Sara's need to party or the fact she'd given virginhood. Okay,so maybe it was those two things, but it seemed more."


I instantly understood EXACTLY how Kylie felt. Funny never thought a white girl and me could relate to each other in that aspect.
Pretty much losing my best friend. Things have been odd, our perspectives are not on the same page anymore. Which usually wouldn't bother me, but for her this is too far my friend! I always hear people saying how people can be best friends one year and next be total strangers. I doubt thats going to happen with us, but I learnt to expect the unpredictable with her.

Well, it all started.....

 Let me just be honest and jump into it. I hate the new friend of mine, no I actually depise it what she has become. Sure I can talk to her normally but, what I don't agree with lots of things she does now, but she simply doesnt care. You know what your probably thinking

" Accept your friend for who she is...."

I dont need to hear this crap, I would accept it if she wasn't my friend and if I didn't care about her, but I DO CARE. and it bugs me that I have to accept it becase I CARE SO MUCH. If I say anything all I really am doing is pushing her away and if I accept it I would be a horrible friend. Friends do not let other friends fall between the cracks. (Imagine me saying this fast that why its a run on sentence lol)

Right now I feel like all I can do is watch in silents as my friend falls and it's really hard to pick her up now. I dont think there is anything I can do. Should I accept it, that she is totally different and not the same person?
She may still look and wear the same clothes as my old friend, but I can hardly recongize her T_T

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Thank God she has been catching herself. I have seen a light in her again. She definitely not a lost cause.

People Change

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I cannot say I am 100% surprise on how things turned out in my social life. I finally understood that people change. I just never thought it would happen to my friends. I am not sure if I mentioned it earlier, when I was entering grade 12 I switched schools. Reasons being that I had way too many friends( which were my biggest distractions) at my school. I also really wanted scholarships and to finish my year with awesome marks. Which did happen alhamdulillah ! :) 

Old School Vs New School

Anyways, the old school I attended only had about 7 hijabies in my grade. 2 being twins who wore extremely tight clothes, one transformer, and 2 I.Bs (smart kids :P) Nabila (-.-) and me. I found that everyone at my school didn't really practice except those two I.Bs girls mashallah. I was not very close with them.They didn't really have many friends and I understood why . My old school and being religious did not mix. 

 I would say about 60% of the students were Muslim at my new school. Unlike my old school they avoided haraam things. Wearing reavealing clothes and dating each other was not normal here. As it should be.

I met these wonderful friends, we automatically connected and I honestly love these girls . These girls were very good influences on me and I  even stop eating unhalal food (is that even word...Idk I am going to use it) .Overral I was happier and better because of them. It was comforting knowing that my new Muslim friends were not judging what I wore, ate, why I didn't date, or why I did not want hang out with guys.

Believe it or not my MUSLIM friends from my old school thought I was too uptight and thought I was weird for those things and more... You think them being Muslim also would make them understand why I was who I am, but NO0O0O0O0 I was just being a prude! -.-". So sometimes I felt discluded with them. I was actually better of hanging with non-Muslims.  I actually have one viet/Chinese friend who would make sure I didn't eat unhalal or reminded me not to do things that were haraam. Bless that girl.

University 1st Year 

So we all finished high school and went our separate paths. I am still good friends with them all and I thought nothing would change. Nope not our group we were too awesome for that, smarter than that. If anything I thought Sufi's  group ( some girls last name, not the religion kind lol) would have more complications. They were those Muslim girls who cared way to much about fashion, celebrities, and dating. I still liked them they were cool and always happy, it seemed to me. 

My friends had made some stupid choices. Since we were in uni/college we had so much freedom. We could come home whenever we wanted because our parents didn't know exactly what our schedule was. University was nothing like high school the times were scattered. You could have a class as late as 9pm.  I was never much of a liar, I always called my mom after I finished a class, once I hit the train and once I got on a train etc. I pretty much always updated my mom, I guess old habits are hard to kill.

With their new found freedom they decided to fool around with boys, alcohol, and drugs (weed). This made me very upset, no it  actually angered me. They were pretty knowledgeable too. My best friend got herself into a spinning world of sin. She is smart, beautiful, and an all round awesome person. So it SHOCKED me when I found out she was flirting with evil. 

It reminds me what this niqaabi once said  to me. When we hit uni girls will typically do two things: 

1. Become more religious ( What I aspired to do)

2. Take their hijab off and what not..

She told me this in high school and I never believed her. I guess she was right .

I talked to my bestie about her change and make dua for her. I don't know if she even wants to come back. I don'tt want to be like 'you do you' because that what bad friends do but, she left me at no choice. I never want to her about the sins she commits anymore. I told her don't tell me what you do, she already knows how I feel about it. 

Funny thing is that my older brother told me he really liked her and she as a good friend to keep around. If only if he knew who she has become he would tell me to "Drop her like a bad habit." sigh.  He told me "On the day of judgement we will be resurrected with the people you love. Do you really want to be near her on that day. Someone who commits all sorts of sins and probably does not feel bad because they have repeatedly done it?"

What would be your answer?

UGH I DON’T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL.

 “ New year, new me” , notice how everyone always says that?

I think I had the same New Year’s resolutions my whole life, to be the best I can be. I usually fall short because I know I can do better , but I always just end up being lazy and settling for less. Like I know I could get an A in a class, but then I will be too lazy to put effort and receive a B. I have school on Monday and I could honestly say I had less sleep this holiday than I had school, but at least it wasn’t stressful :P

 I DON’T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL! I JUST WANT LIE IN MY BED A CHILL OUT THE WHOLE DAY WATCHING SOME ANIME AND PLAYING MY GAMES! I WANT TO SLEEP FOREVER! NOOO PLEASE CAN I NOT GO TO SCHOOL :’(

Good news, looks like my older brother signed me up for Quran classes. Yup gonna get beatings again. :D