So I keep thinking about my life, my future. I expect that I will graduate university, get a job , then get married, have a baby, and live life practicing my religion. Yup, also have a dog with the white picket fence with a huge house :p (note I am exaggerating with my last sentence.)
Obviously life is never what we expect it to be. I can come up with so many possibilities and other outcomes of how my life may turn out. I might never finish university and drop out. I might meet a guy I am head over heels with and get married. Maybe I can never get married or never have a child. Even worst I may die tomorrow. Allah knows what will happen to me and what is best for me, but hey life is never the way we plan it.
I just feel like I have pressured myself to succeed and be the best I can be. Which is what we should all do, but deep down I know I am not being the best I can be.
As a
daughter I can be so much better. Do extra chores and just be a overall great daughter and sister.
As a
student I should bring home A's and use my time wisely by not wasting it on pointless things.
As a
friend I could be so much better. Stop with my sarcasm, my jokes, and my rude comments.
As a
muslim I could be so much better. Giving the attention and time to my Lord. Praying more often, on time , and being conscious when I do so. I can could be studying my religion on my spare time and not watching TV or playing on my phone.
As a
human been I can just overall be better.
Why do I always do the bare minimal thing? Why am I so easily satisfied?
I let the shaytaan be my chill buddy.
I remember a time last year life was amazing. I made salah everyday on time and I would pray in the masjid everyday between my classes. I spent time in the library studying. My marks were amazing, I changed the way I behaved, the way I dressed, and was so conscious of Allah.
It may sound cheesy I was so sprung on doing good deeds I would kick sticks out of the side walk and into the grass. :P Pick up garbage and even gave dawah! I never even watched tv.
Then I became ashamed... Pathetic right?
Some of my friends had not gone through the same spiritual enlightenment I went through, so I would get frustrated with them. I remember I had a friend tell me some things that would try to stop me from becoming better. She told me how she feared for me... She was scared I might become a salafi (the ones who try to live in the old century) because I was considering the jilbaab, she was scared I was becoming this overly happy Muslim. Which I was because man my heart was on some Iman booster that seemed to be lasting months. Subanhallah. I wasn't becoming a extremist I was just happy and working hard trying to be the best I could be. But she didn't see that...
I felt really hurt even though I didn't show it. I became self-conscious of what others thought of me. I was also losing friends since I was practicing more. I guess this happens when you try to please the creation than the creator.
I remember my brother telling me that if the shaytaan cannot get to you he will use others to get to you. Great, he starting using my friends against me and man did it work.
Well that's my stupid reason for becoming such a loser now, but I can say there has been other factors like food and tv! Oh and a little place I call the Internet!
My goal now is to become better and the best I can be. I seriously feel lazy even saying it. Even the thought of it makes me heart go ...
"really dude you sure you want to do that? We can just catch up and watch the seasons of gossip girl. Chuck bass might hook up with Blair!!!" tempting as it is to watch Netflix brainlessly, I know I won't get what I want until I do. How can I expect for good marks if I wont work hard for it? How can I expect a pious husband if I am not willing to working hard for it? How can I expect Jennah if I am not willing to work hard on it?
Thank goodness I am not the type to get depressed. I am not hyped, but I got a black heart and it's going to need some heavy cleansing. I will keep you guys updated.
Any tips you have for me guys will be greatly appreciated.
Okay when I was in England I had something very strange happen to me. I was sleeping on my back and I felt something heavy on me and I couldn't move. I also couldn't scream. I was in a panic and I had no clue what was going on. After a few moments I could move, so I went to sleep on my side and the same thing happen again.
So, like any other sane person would I googled it. Turns out I had all the symptoms of sleep paralysis.
